BetterSomeone tells you they are not doing well. In the two seconds that follow, most of us reach for something to say, and reach past the thing that would have helped.
There is a list. It is not an opinion column: it comes from a guide published by the World Health Organization, written for people who are not health professionals, and it says plainly what to do and what not to do.
Do not push someone to talk. Allow silences. Be honest about what you do not know. Never judge what the person feels, the WHO gives two sentences as examples of what not to say: “You shouldn’t feel that way” and “You should feel lucky to be alive.” And do not take on the job of solving it for them.
The sourceWhere the list comes from
It is called Psychological first aid. It was published in 2011 by the WHO with the War Trauma Foundation and World Vision International, and it exists in more than thirty languages.
One honest caveat about scope. This guide was written for helping people in the immediate aftermath of a serious crisis event, not for a conversation with a colleague who seems flat. We are telling you because it changes nothing to the advice and everything to your trust in it: the guide is stripped down precisely because it was meant for people with no training, under pressure. That is why it travels so well.
What worksWhat helps
The guide's own list, in its own words:
- Find a quiet place to talk, and keep interruptions to a minimum.
- Show the person you are listening, nod, or say so.
- Be calm and patient.
- Be honest about what you know and do not know. “I don’t know, but I will try to find out for you.”
- Accept what the person describes of how they feel, and acknowledge what they have lost. “I’m sorry. I understand that you are sad.”
- Point out and value the person's strengths, and how they have managed so far.
- Allow moments of silence.
That last one is the one people skip. The guide is explicit elsewhere too: do not talk too much; silence matters. Staying quiet for a moment leaves the person the calm space they need, which may be what lets them say something.
What to avoidWhat hurts
The same guide, same register, what not to do:
- Do not push the person to tell you their story.
- Do not interrupt or rush them, do not check your watch, do not speak too fast.
- Do not touch the person if you are not sure it is appropriate.
- Do not judge what they did, did not do, or how they feel. Do not say “You shouldn’t feel that way”, or “You should feel lucky to be alive.”
- Do not make up what you do not know.
- Do not use overly technical terms.
- Do not repeat to others the story someone told you.
- Do not talk about your own problems.
- Do not make false promises or give false hope.
- Do not speak of people in negative terms, do not call someone “crazy” or “mad”.
Notice what is not on this list. There is no clever sentence, no formula, no word that unlocks anything. Almost every item is about restraintnot pushing, not rushing, not judging, not filling the silence. Most of helping is not doing.
The frameworkThe three things that hold
The whole guide rests on three action principles. They are deliberately banal, and that is the point, they are what someone can remember while their heart is pounding.
The order matters. Offering a phone number in the first thirty seconds is the most common way of ending a conversation that had just started.
Your limitThe line you do not have to cross
Two items on the WHO's do-not list are addressed to you, not to the person you are helping.
Do not think and act as if you are responsible for solving all of the other person’s problems for them.
Do not take the person away from their strengths and their sense of being able to care for themselves.
Both sentences say the same thing from two directions: taking over is not helping. It removes from the person the one thing they most need to keep.
And the reason any of this is worth the effort is a number. The WHO writes that more than 720 000 people die by suicide every year, and that it is the third leading cause of death among 15-29-year-olds. It names stigma as a major barrier: because of it, many people thinking about ending their life do not seek help, and so do not get it.
A conversation does not lift that barrier. But it is the only part of it that sits within reach of an ordinary person.
There is no worldwide helpline, and numbers change from one country to the next. Two markers hold everywhere.
If there is immediate danger, call your country’s emergency number.
Otherwise, Find A Helpline lists more than 1,700 free and confidential helplines in over 175 countries. You pick your country, it shows what exists near you, with opening hours. The site itself is in English, but the lines it points to are local.
This is not a clinical recommendation. It is the one international directory that states it verifies its data with the helpline organisations themselves and maintains it daily.
QuestionsFrequently asked questions
What do you say when you do not know what to say?
The WHO advises being honest about what you know and do not know, and even supplies the sentence: “I don’t know, but I will try to find out for you.” It also recommends allowing moments of silence. Not knowing what to say is not a problem to fix; talking too much to fill the gap is.
Should you push the person to talk?
No. The WHO guide repeats it in several places: do not push the person to tell their story, listen without forcing them to speak. Some people will not want to talk about what happened, what matters to them is that you stay present and that they know you are there if they do.
Which phrases should you avoid?
The guide quotes two word for word as examples of what not to say: “You shouldn’t feel that way” and “You should feel lucky to be alive.” What they share is judgment, of what the person did, did not do, or how they feel. It also advises against speaking of people in negative terms, giving “crazy” and “mad” as examples.
Is it my job to fix the problem?
No, and the guide says so explicitly: do not think and act as if you are responsible for solving all of the other person’s problems for them. It adds that you should not take the person away from their strengths and their sense of being able to care for themselves. Helping is not taking over.
Is this guide meant for everyday life?
It was written for people helping after an extremely distressing event, and that is precisely what makes it useful: it is stripped to essentials, jargon-free, and designed for people who are not health professionals. What it describes is not a therapeutic technique, it is a way of being present. It does not replace an assessment by a qualified person.
Why do so many people not ask for help?
The WHO names stigma as a major barrier: it writes that stigma, particularly around mental disorders and suicide, means many people do not seek help and therefore do not get the help they need. It adds that breaking down the taboo matters for making progress. That is the one part of the problem an ordinary conversation can move.
Read nextRelated
Sources
- Psychological first aid: guide for field workers, WHO, War Trauma Foundation and World Vision International, 2011
- Suicide, World Health Organization, 25 March 2025
About this article. General and educational information. The lists quoted come from a World Health Organization guide written for people with no health training; it is neither a therapeutic method nor a substitute for assessment by a qualified person. If you are supporting someone whose safety worries you, do not carry that worry alone.
Spotted an error or an out-of-date figure? Write to us: we will correct it and re-date the article. Our texts are written with the help of artificial intelligence and checked against official sources before publication, but a figure or a definition can change without us catching it. If anything here does not match what an official body tells you, they are right.